Reflections inspired by a cranky head
I’ve been feeling a bit tired over the last few days and I’ve had a headache, that’s gone now though. When I don’t feel great I’m often thrown back to the accident and getting better afterwards. When my head gets cranky, which is the most common form of pain for me, I feel like I’m back in recovery. Feeling cloudy and feeling tired. My ears ringing. I’m back in my apartment in Brooklyn.
When I was in the hospital they had to change the sheets. To do that without moving me too much meant I had to go onto one side with a nurse holding me up and they would bunch clean sheets up behind me. When that was done I would be rolled over onto the other side and they would pull the dirty sheets out. I’d usually take morphine before doing this as it was very painful. Rolling back onto the clean sheets was wonderful though as the cleanliness morphed in with the release of intense pain. About two weeks in one of the nurses suggested putting a pillow between my legs and it made such a difference. I wish that had been done sooner. Near the end of my stay in ICU I was able to pull myself up by myself using the bars on the bed when they changed the sheets. One of nurses shared that with someone else on the ward and my internal reaction was “did they think I was being weak up until now?”. I know that wasn’t the case but when you’re in a state of dependency it’s hard to properly grasp the situation. The relief that came when I rolled over to the clean sheets I can still feel today. Before they changed the sheets I’d have a sponge bath so I was also cleaner when I rolled onto clean sheets.
My first shower came when I was at Shorefront. We had one shower a week. Otherwise it was sponge baths. The shower was a wide space and I sat in a big chair and the water could run all over me. I could be properly shampooed. When I was in the ICU I think someone came and washed my hair. My face would have been hard to clean until the scars healed a bit. At Shorefront I washed my face every morning. It was tricky because my mouth couldn’t shut properly. I didn’t know that when you wash your face you close your mouth until I heard someone reference it in a podcast a couple of years later. I did what I needed to do.
I had a few different clothing combinations of tracksuit pants and tops that people had brought me as presents. It was comfortable to be in those. I liked coordinating them and I liked to think of me being fashionable (within limits) when I visited the hospital and met with many doctors.
I’d lost almost all of my breasts and was wearing bra tops from American Apparel that were probably AAA. I’m now back to 36D. I was 120 lbs down from 150lbs pre-accident. I’ve been back to normal weight for a long time now. When I was in rehab they gave me supplements to put in my food but it didn’t taste great. Mum would bring in bread pudding and Ronnybrook drinkable yoghurts and chocolate milk. I love the peach yoghurts. I love dairy and that’s certainly a way to put on the pounds but you have to way up the fat and sugar load. I don’t remember now how long it took until I was back to normal weight. When I came out of rehab Cindy and Raquel came over and we had food from Cubana Cafe and drank Mexican beer. I also had my first proper shower in months.
My dad arrived the next day but I stayed in bed most of the day. It had all been a lot for me. Sleeping in your own place where you’re not woken up at 6am three days a week to have your blood taken for your coumadin meds. Where you don’t wake up every two or three hours just because you’re in a hospital not a silent retreat and you often need help to get back to sleep. Where you don’t need to ring a bell to get helped to the toilet. Even when I was weight bearing on my left I was told I still needed to call, just in case I had a fall. I certainly didn’t want to risk anything going wrong so I was happy to do that. My landlord came to take me back to Vanderbilt. He and his wife were very good to me during the time I was in hospital. I had someone staying in my apartment who was paying some rent but I wasn’t there. I don’t remember the details but I know Doug and Gerri were good to me. One of my downstairs neighbours came up every day and spent time with my cat Miso. I had cat food in my bag when I got run over so that wasn’t a problem. She was on special food for some condition she had. All my neighbours were very helpful with bringing me in food and taking out the trash. I lived just a few blocks away from restaurants and cafes so it wasn’t too far for me to go to get out of the house. I’d always avoid the crossing where I was hit though. It just meant I had to walk a block or so out of my way.
